December 12, 2012

How to Make a Broken Toe Look Better

Despite being a former ballet student who was praised for her graceful carriage, offstage I am the clumsiest person on earth. My body is forever covered in bruises, scratches, cuts, scrapes, and bumps. All day, every day, I stumble through the house, tripping and prat falling in a manner worthy of the Three Stooges. I do stupid things that result in weird injuries. For example, back in the summer I accidentally turned on the heat under a Pyrex glass bowl, causing it to explode. Though I jumped out of the way seconds before the catastrophe occurred, I ended up with a piece of glass embedded in my foot due to my attempts to clean up my mess.

I have fallen through at least three chairs.

You would think that with all of this clumsiness, I have probably broken every bone in my body by now, but you would be thinking incorrectly. In fact, the only part of me that has ever been broken is my nose (on multiple occasions and in multiple silly ways). Until now that is.

I broke my left little toe upon running into the living room to remove The Precious from a precarious position, catching the idiotic thing on the wooden leg of the couch that I always forget is there. The toe hooked around the leg one way and I fell another, and The Precious puzzled at Mommy's weird behaviour as Mommy crumpled over a coffee table and stayed draped there making faces without a sound.

It actually doesn't hurt very much unless I put weight on it, so I could, theoretically, walk around with most of my weight on my big toe. Unfortunately, being the clumsy ape that I am, I have torn something in my hip, and walking on my big toe makes my hip scream. So I am reduced to staying mostly still and hobbling around in pillowy slippers when necessary. With The Precious around, it is very often necessary to hobble thus.

So anyway, how does one make a broken toe look better? I mean, let's be honest. The thing sticks out like a sore thumb. (Please tell me I win a bad joke award of some kind for that one!)

Well, here's the "Before" photo.

And here's the "After."

You see, a terrible home pedicure can make a huge difference to the appearance of a broken toe. The viewer is no longer horrified by the swollen, bruised appearance of the annoying little blighter. The bright purple nail polish, inexpertly applied, draws the eye away from the wound and leaves the viewer in doubt of one's sanity rather than one's degree of injury.

As to how to make a broken toe FEEL better, I can only say that soaking in hot water with Epsom's salts helps until the water turns cold. After that, alas! you're on your own.

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